The Inner Critic

We all have an inner critic !

- it’s that little voice inside your head that never has anything nice to say. Your inner critic is a loud-mouthed pessimist. It’s all doom and gloom, for them. Criticism that comes from this place inside you is very different than that which comes from your boss, colleagues, customers, friends, or family. The inner critic’s voice is particularly loud in the face of big decisions, difficult tasks, and change. It reminds us of past mistakes and shrinks our self-esteem down to tiny speck.

Chances are, your inner critic loves some or all of the following phrases:

• You don’t have any real friends

• You’ll never be happy and successful

• You suck at everything

• Why bother trying? It’s not going to work.

• What the hell is wrong with you?!

• You’re such a loser

• You should

• Why didn’t you?

• What’s wrong with you?

• Why can’t you get it together?

Your inner critic is the voice inside your head that makes you feel awful about yourself. An inner voice that expresses criticism, frustration or disapproval about our actions. It’s the negative self-talk, extreme criticism, and limits you set on yourself that make it difficult to live life to the full.

The actual self-talk is different for each of us, as is its frequency or intensity.

It is a cultural norm to believe that criticism or guilt-induced comments will motivate behavior. Perhaps the thinking Is that if you realize that your actions aren’t good enough or ideal, you’ll want to change.

False sense of control

The critic also gives us a sense of control. So others in our lives may make “helpful,” yet critical comments to reinforce and control our behavior or control their feelings.

We can also use judgmental or controlling thoughts with ourselves as a way of coping with fear, shame, and the unknown.

Over time, these comments (from both others and ourselves) internalize and become our “inner critic,” the persistent negative self-talk that keeps us stuck.

Avoiding the source of the criticism or shame such as the person, activity, place, or even yourself (i.e., staying busy to stay out of your own head).

Problems with self-esteem

In childhood, the inner critic plays an important role: it helps us to figure out the right way to behave, including learning from our mistakes, and strengthens our bond with our parents or caregivers. By the time we reach adulthood, however, most people can distinguish appropriate from inappropriate behavior without a need for self-criticism.

When the voice of your own inner critique is too loud, you become your own worst enemy. Instead of believing in yourself and building yourself up, you undermine yourself and your efforts from within. Every time you tell yourself “You can’t do it”, you strike a blow to your self-esteem. You develop a negative view of yourself, which makes you more likely to fail when you do build up the courage to give things a try and can get stuck in a vicious circle.

The destructive power of shame

If the messages are shaming, such as “what’s wrong with you?” or “you’re not good enough,” we can become paralyzed.

When we feel shame, we feel that something about us makes us flawed that we don’t deserve to be in connection with other people. Shame disconnects us from others and teach us to feel alone.

As humans, we are hardwired at a cellular level for connection. When we feel shame, these feelings physically make us want to go inside ourselves, withdraw, and can further trigger avoidance behaviors as a way to comfort or soothe.

The point is that shame and self-criticism keep us from doing the things we need to care of ourselves and ultimately find comfort, connection, and motivation.

Tips for getting your inner critic under control

We all have that negative inner voice – and sometimes it can even be useful. But control is key: you should be in charge of your inner critic and not the other way around.

The value of awareness

Awareness is the first step to recognizing and letting go of your inner critic. Many of us don’t even realize its presence.

Develop an awareness for what doesn’t work

A common strategy is to simply try to ignore the voice of the inner critic. This is generally ineffective or, in some cases, can even have the opposite of the intended effect. Instead of being a background voice, the ignored inner critic begins to shout louder, doing whatever it can to get you to listen to its negative messages.

The good news is that it is actually possible to get your inner critic under control. It can take time to break bad habits but it’s always worth the effort.

An exercise

Catch yourself the next time you’re aware of feeling anxious, distracted or numb, and:

1. Identify the voice of the inner critic.

2. Identify the situation that may have triggered the inner critic. What are your authentic feelings about this situation?

3. Remember, the inner critic helps you to feel in control. So ask yourself, “What am I afraid of? What would it mean if that happened? And what would that mean?"

Allow yourself space to dig deeper and find your most vulnerable feelings about the situation. This is what the inner critic is protecting you from feeling. Do you really need all that protection? Probably not.

Examples

• Jessica went shopping. She didn’t know her sizes at this store and tried on a few things. She thought, “Ugh, these clothes are tight, they don’t fit, I feel like such a failure, I’m so fat and ugly.”

• What is she afraid of? “I’ve gained wight, which means I’m a failure. It means I’m old. I’m ashamed and scared of getting older and gaining more wight.”

• What authentic feelings might she be having about this situation that aren’t related to shame triggers? What are her vulnerabilities? (Identify your vulnerability and feel those feelings.)

• Jessica says, “I feel out of control, fear, grief/loss. My body is reacting differently than it did in the past. It’s harder to maintain wight and muscle done, it feels hopeless. I feel afraid, overwhelmed.”

• What do you really need? Jessica says, “I can deal with it. Acknowledging my vulnerability prompts me to take better care of my health. When I feel worthless, there’s no hope at all. Shame is not motivating.”

Analyze your inner critic

What are some self-criticisms that you are aware of hearing yourself say? Say it in the second person. For example: “You’re such a coward. Be careful or you’ll get hurt. You should try harder.”

How do you feel as you hear that? Get in touch with that feeling. What are you afraid of or afraid of feeling? What are some authentic feelings you may be having about this situation that aren’t related to shame triggers?

What are some opposite feelings? What are some reactions to these? What do you say to that voice that says you are useless?

Remember where the inner critic came from

Your inner critic is an internal voice but it is fed by outside influences. The voice has its origins in your environment and your childhood. The values that you have internalized in this way can be useful as a guide but aren’t and shouldn’t be taken as 100% valid and universally applicable.

The inner critic makes its judgements by these absorbed and adopted standards, which won’t always be in line with your own values.

Distinguish between beliefs and facts

“I can’t do this.” It’s a statement that leaves no room for doubt or interpretation and brings with it a sense of gloomy resignation or even depression. The statement is a self-reinforcing belief: If you don’t believe that you can do it, you probably won’t do it. But beliefs can be changed.

Get some distance from your inner critic by reformulating the beliefs it serves up as facts. Even just a little tweak – changing the thought to “I feel like I can’t do this.” – can make a world of difference. It gives you the opportunity to investigate. Is this a feeling or a fact? Why do I feel this way?

From self-sabotage to self-love

What do you really need to take good care of yourself? Or, what is it that you really need to hear?

Express empathy

Express empathy for the inner critic’s fear and out-of-control feelings.

“I understand that you are terrified of getting hurt and feeling rejected. I know you’re trying to protect me from those feelings.”

Express your reaction

“Your critical voice is not helping. Please do not talk to me that way. It is preventing me from getting what I need, which it to feel connected to others. I will be OK. I will be able to cope with whatever happens. What I really need is to reach out and connect with others. I don’t have to be afraid, nor do I have to deprive myself out of fear.”

The two categories of the inner critic’s self-talk

The inner critic’s self-talk tends to fall into one of two categories, “bad self” and “weakness.”

• Bad self is shame-based. Those who struggle with it might feel unlovable; flawed; undesirable; inferior; inadequate; deserving of punishment; or incompetent.

• The weak self is based on fear and anxiety. Those who fight it might feel dependent on others; unable to support themselves; submissive; unable to express emotions without something bad happening; vulnerable; worried about loss of control; mistrustful; isolated; deprived; or abandoned.

These beliefs are neither useful nor helpful. They are generally destructive. Practice listening for clues to these beliefs by paying attention to the self-talk of your inner critic. Challenge those beliefs. They are not true.

You are worthy, capable, and deserving of love.

Refuting the critic

The final step to getting your inner critic under control is showing that his assertions are false. Reflect critically on what the negative inner voice is telling you.

• Is there anything that indicates you will fail in your endeavor?

• Have you attempted something similar before that can inform your actions?

• Why shouldn’t you succeed?

By questioning what your inner critic is telling you, you will realize that there is no reason to doubt yourself. This might be difficult at the start, but the more you do it, the more yout self-esteem will grow, making the process quicker and easier as time goes on. Every success diminishes your inner critic’s voice and bolsters your self-esteem.

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