Not only in project teams, but also in everyday life, you may find yourself in a situation where you feel frustration, anger, outrage, or even hatred towards a coworker or acquaintance. There are various ways to deal with anger, and if you already know how to handle this emotional aspect, feel free to move on to another article.
one of the most common causes of anger is that someone is limiting us in what we want to do
My favorite author P. Ekman describes one of the main causes of anger (in adults) as being restricted from doing what they want.
If we feel that this restriction is intentional, not accidental or necessary, if we have the impression that the other person has specifically chosen to limit us, we will become even angrier.
Some causes of anger:
Frustration from anything, even inanimate objects, can escalate into anger. Frustration can be triggered within us by our own forgetfulness or inability to accomplish something.
For some people, anger mixes with disgust - they attack what repels them. Or they are disgusted with themselves for getting angry or not being able to control themselves.
If someone wants to harm us psychologically, for example, through insults or belittling our appearance or performance, we will likely also feel anger and fear.
Rejection by a loved one can evoke not only sadness but also anger.
One of the most dangerous qualities of anger is that it breeds more anger, and the cycle escalates quickly. Therefore, we can consider another person's anger as another cause of anger.
Disappointment with the actions of another person can also infuriate us. (Note: we are most capable of getting angry at those we love the most. However, it is precisely the closest people who can hurt us the most, disappoint us the most.)
We can get angry at someone (even a complete stranger) who defends, in our opinion, offensive behavior or thoughts. (Note: it is enough, for example, to read about someone whose actions or opinions strongly disagree with ours, and it can trigger anger within us)
Some types of anger intensity:
Short-term anger (irritation), especially when it comes to a short-lived matter. Anger is associated with a specific event (injustice) or a series of events.
Long-term anger. If someone treats you in a way you consider dishonest or unfair, you may hold onto your anger for a long time, sometimes even a lifetime. It doesn't mean you're constantly enraged, but whenever you think of or encounter the person involved, the anger resurfaces. Anger can also smolder within a person, constantly preoccupied with the perceived injustice, continuously thinking about it. This also increases the likelihood of seeking revenge.
Hatred is a persistent intense feeling of aversion directed towards a specific person and has a more general character. We're not constantly angry at the person, but when we meet or hear about them, feelings of anger easily awaken within us. We may also experience contempt or disgust towards the hated person. Hatred can smolder within a person and control their life, with thoughts of the hated person completely consuming them.
What anger causes us:
Expressing anger comes at a certain cost. Through angry behavior or words, we can harm a relationship temporarily or even permanently. Often, we evoke an equally angry response. Even without angry actions or words, our counterpart can sense our anger from the expression on our face or the tone of our voice. When the person then reacts with anger or contempt, it can be harder for us to remain composed, avoid an argument, or a fight. Angry individuals are not well-liked. According to research, angry children lose the attention of other children, and angry adults are perceived as socially unattractive. Additionally, the following physiological reactions occur:
Elevated blood pressure, pounding heart
Significantly higher blood pulse, throbbing in the temples
Feeling of stomach tightness
Dry mouth
Flushed/pale skin on the face
Headache
Muscle tension
Feeling of excitement, restlessness, increased aimless movement
Sensations of heat/cold
When the condition persists long-term, it can develop into certain chronic forms:
Ulcers, rashes, itching of the skin
Insomnia, severe fatigue, irritability, grumpiness, excessive tiredness
Heart diseases, arrhythmia, heart failure
Loss of appetite, weight loss
Try to identify the cause of your anger
Becoming aware of your anger and giving it attention has the advantage of allowing us to influence our reactions: suppress the anger, reassess the situation, and plan actions that will effectively eliminate the cause of anger. If we are unaware of our feelings, we simply act based on them, and we do nothing from the above. Without being conscious of our emotions, unable to pause and reflect on our future words and actions, we often end up saying or doing things that we later regret.
What actually made me angry?
An important part of insights derived from one's own anger should be the answer to the question: "What actually made me angry?" It may not be obvious at first glance. It may not even be what we think it is. Often, we think we know why someone got angry with us, but our version may not be identical to theirs. If we don't address the cause of their anger, it can lead to hostility and the gradual accumulation of troubles.
Anger tells us that a change is needed. If we want to implement that change as effectively as possible, we must know its precise cause.
Did someone thwart our plans, threaten us, hurt our self-esteem, reject us, or provoke us with their anger or ill treatment?
Are we perceiving the situation objectively, or are we influenced by our own irritated mood?
Can we do something to diminish or eliminate our resentment?
If we give vent to anger, will it remove its cause?
Some interesting responses to anger:
Redirecting anger: We have all experienced times when we have "vented our anger" on someone who hasn't actually done anything to us. This misdirected anger usually occurs when someone upsets us, but we can't express our anger towards them. So we redirect our anger towards a person who is "safe" to target.
Withdrawing: This is essentially "non-reactivity," a cold withdrawal from communication. When someone "withdraws," they stop responding to their partner's emotions. It is usually a way of responding to the anger or complaints of the other person. The individual retreats within themselves because they feel unable to deal with their own feelings and their partner's feelings.
Some techniques for anger management
Utilize techniques for managing anger: This is a demanding technique because its goal is not just to suppress anger, but to eliminate it. If our partner has hurt us with something they said or did, it would be better for us to acknowledge, instead of seeking revenge (to restore our wounded self-esteem), that they are under stress and therefore not fully responsible for their actions. It would be better to assume that they didn't act with malicious intent. By reevaluating our partner's intentions in this way, we can empathize with their difficult situation and forgive their outburst.
Utilize nonviolent communication (NVC) techniques: It is not useful to simply absorb or ignore the anger of the other person. Instead, we should communicate that we want them to stop their behavior because we don't like it.
Utilize hypnotherapy techniques and allow the subconscious to process the best response to anger..
Utilize mindfulness techniques
Try the Mindfulness "Metta" technique:
It seems that in many world philosophical and religious directions there is agreement on at least a few things. Most of these directions believe that empathy, compassion, and love are among the key basic principles of a reasonable way of life:
Empathy relates to our ability to understand and share the experiences of another person.
Compassion is about our desire to alleviate the suffering of another.
Love refers to a ubiquitous feeling of connection and ordinary humanity, based on the understanding that everyone (and everything) is interconnected
By combining these three concepts, the state of Metta arises (metta = loving friendship / kindness), in which the feeling of deep connection and compassion penetrates the mind as a way of being, in which we hope for happiness in ourselves and others.
A Bit of Science
Studies show that these techniques have a unique impact on parts of the brain associated with empathy, emotional perception, and sensitivity.
Research also suggests that you don't need years of practice to enhance your ability for empathy, emotional perception, and sensitivity. In fact, just a 10-minute practice of Metta meditation for a period of 2 weeks can increase the sense of social connection and positivity towards others.
Metta Meditation
This #mindfulness meditation activates and cultivates natural qualities of sensitivity, care, compassion, warmth, openness, and empathy. It is a wonderful daily practice - and also a beautiful balm you can apply when feeling lonely, disconnected from others, or being hard on yourself or the world.
Description of the technique:
1. Sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes. It's important for the position to be comfortable so that you can relax all the parts of your body that are under tension.
2. Start by slowly directing and focusing your attention on your breathing. Take three deep breaths in and out. Then let your breath settle into its natural rhythm and allow it to breathe on its own.
3. Think of someone who is alive and with whom you have an excellent relationship. (It could be someone close to you, a family member, or even a public figure). During the meditation, visualize them (how they look, what they are doing) and then quietly say the following phrases to yourself, or say them in your own words:
May you be happy in peace, calm, and harmony.
May you be safe and healthy.
May you experience love.
4. Now, think of the person you have issues with, who annoys you, and quietly say the following phrases to yourself:
May you be happy in peace, calm, and harmony.
May you be safe and healthy.
May you experience love.
5. Finally, imagine yourself and then say these wishes to yourself:
May you be happy in peace, calm, and harmony.
May you be safe and healthy.
May you experience love.
6. Towards the end of this technique, focus briefly on your sensations to expand your awareness from the surroundings to the world around you. When you feel ready, open your eyes.
Exercise tips:
Try exercising daily for 10 to 20 minutes.
Once you become familiar with this meditation, you can shorten it to a 5-minute version.
Conclusion
I believe that almost everyone is capable of preventing themselves from doing or saying something in anger or rage. We all (or nearly all) can choose not to harm others, but also ourselves, through our behavior. If you try the technique, intentionally observe how you felt in the case of person 1 and person 2. Did anything feel worse or better? How does the technique help?
Sources:
Paul Ekman UNMASKING THE FACE Learn to Recognize Facial Expressions and Other People's Emotions, Jan Melvil Publishing, s. r. o.2015,
Paula Watkins, Mediation – made simple, Quarto Publishing Group USA, 2016